About A Girl

Since the last time I posted I have started to calm down and not over react.  Which is definitely a good thing.  I am really starting to find happiness again and I love that, it really is one of the absolute best feelings in the entire world, to just be happy.  As I have said before I do believe that a person needs to find happiness for themselves and you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness, but I also believe that a great person can help you find happiness or at least find out what was missing to help make you happy again.  For the first time since I have been back in Rexburg, I am actually perfectly fine with being here, I am not saying to myself multiple times a day that I wanna go home.  It only took 5 months, but I am good.   The girl I mentioned last time is amazing, she makes me want to be a better person for me.  I am so happy with my life right now, obviously things are not perfect but they are going great and I can't complain.  I was nervous but I built up the confidence to ask her on a date and I can't wait for it.  I hope that she has a great time and I hope that I can show her my true self and that I don't try to hard and make a fool of myself, I don't think I will.  I am so excited and I absolutely love my life right now.

Thinking Out Loud

It is such a strange thing when you can feel happy about something than soon after you can be bummed about it.  The technology that we have is absolutely wonderful, but sometimes and can make jump to conclusions and create scenarios or things in your head that do not even exist.  Texting does that to me.  I text the person I like and then I don’t hear back for a while and I think so many different things, I ask “Did I say something wrong?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Was this a bad time to text her?” So many thoughts run through my head even though I know that she has told me that she is horrible at returning texts right away.  I do know that, but every single time I don’t get a response within a certain amount of time I start to worry and that annoys me so much.  I over think things so much and I wish that I knew a way to stop it.  

I know that the last time that I posted to my blog was a long time ago and when I posted before things were going perfect with Sheldon.  Since then things have changed I made a huge change in my life and it was for the better, but doing that caused things to end with Sheldon and I am completely okay with that.  She helped me get through a huge road block in my life.  Now a couple years later there is this one girl that just makes me feel so happy most likely without even knowing that she is making me happy.  I haven’t talked to her about it yet, I want to so bad but at the same time I do not want to come on strong but at the same time I don’t want to miss an opportunity that could an amazing one.  I do not know how she feels, I don’t even know that she has even thought about it.  What am I supposed to do? I hate overthinking texts.  I asked her something this morning, she answered later in the day and also asked another question, I answered and asked another one in return and she still has not answered so of course I have all of these thoughts running through my head that make me feel down.

The worst part of feeling down about it is that whenever I feel down I do stupid things and that really annoys me too.   I wish I was strong enough to just say no.  I also wish that I was strong enough to let something like not bother me and make me feel down, the worst part is that I know that her taking a while to answer probably does not mean anything bad, it probably just means that she hasn’t checked her phone or something.  I overthink something that is probably nothing and then act like a dingus.  I want to be able to completely not let another person completely control my state of mind.  But that is all my fault and I need to figure that out and I need to do that soon.   Honestly I do hope that something can work with her, but if not than I want to be okay with it and still be happy.  She is always going to be a great person, someone that will always mean a lot to my family and I can be happy about that.  I know that if I can find happiness in other places I won’t rely on it to always come from another person and maybe it will help me become a little more confident in saying what I am feeling.

Catching Clouds

I really never have realized that it was possible to be so bored.  However, I am appreciating the time that I have to just relax because who knows how long it will last and more importantly who knows the next time I will have downtime to just chill. Hopefully I get a job soon and will be busy as possible, so I don't lose my mind this next semester.

My mind lately has been so full of so many different things, lately I have missed my family a lot.  I miss them a lot, I am not homesick at all, I just miss my family.  But, I get to see them in 2 weeks and I am so excited for that, they are so amazing and I love them so much.  Part of the reason why I miss them a lot lately is because of my Uncle Mark dying, I wish that I could be there with my family through this tough time.

Something else that is on my mind a lot is a great thing! Sheldon has been the best person to come into my life in such a long time.  I know I have said that someone good was in my life before, but never before have I had someone come into my life that has helped me see life in a much more positive way.  I know that no one is perfect, but I honestly swear that she could be. I am happy, so happy and I want this feeling to stay for the rest of my life.  Yeah, it is definitely sad that she has left Rexburg and won't be back until September, yeah I miss her.  But I am so hopeful for the future and I can't wait until she gets back to see what will happen.  Life is great, I don't remember the last time that I was this happy.

Open Up A Little Happiness Today

I haven't blogged in a while.  I have nothing really to do tonight, so one of the best and coolest people I have ever met in my life Sheldon gave me so many suggestions of things that I could do.  One of those things was to write in my journal about all of the new things going on in my life.  Since I don't have a journal right now, I figured that this was the next best thing.

Life has been so good lately, I was have a rough time at the beginning of the semester.  I still did not want to be here in Rexburg,  I just wanted to leave.  But right now at this point I am so happy that I am here, there are not many words to explain life right now, the one that easily comes to life is AMAZING! I am pretty happy, I honestly can't remember the last time that I have been as happy as I am now.

The Saddest Day In Connecticut

I have had crazy emotions running through my mind these past couple days.  The shooting at Sandy Brook elementary school in Connecticut hit me hard yesterday.  That's my home state, I couldn't believe that stuff like that happened in the place I love so much.  The thing that made this one even harder to deal with was the simple thought that I have a little brother, 10 years old who goes to elementary school in Connecticut.  Now the shooting was not at his school but it still scared me.  I love that little guy so much, I couldn't even imagine anything happening to him. I broke down into tears just thinking about it.

It is disgusting to me that anyone person could take the life of another person.  There is no justification for it, no amount of anger that you feel toward someone should ever be enough to kill them.  To me this is even worse though, because this psycho killed children, innocent little children from the ages 5 to 10.  What in the world could a child do to make someone want to take their life.  This guy was sick and disgusting to be able to do something like this to innocent children who could not even defend themselves.  I am not the one to judge people when they die, but I have to believe hell is meant for people like that.

My mother is a hero in my eyes, she always has been just because she is my mom, I have always looked up to her.  But yesterday she had to go to the school where the shooting happened, it's part of her job.  I don't know how her or anybody there could have held themselves together seeing this tragedy's aftermath right before their eyes.  My mom and these other people are heroes for doing what they do.  I love you mom, you will always be my hero.

I can't help but tear up while writing this.  Since I first heard about the shooting every single time I hear something about it, or talk about it I tear up.  It is just not right.  There are some horrible people in this world, who make it very easy to lose hope in humanity.  On the flip side there some very amazing people who stand up and are heroes in these times of need.  I wish we could all be like them.

My tears, thoughts and prayers go out to the families who lost their loved ones yesterday.  Especially the ones who lost their children.  My heart aches for you all.  Heavenly Father will take care of them and they are now up in heaven waiting for you with open arms.

My Metaphor!

            In my Education class we have been told that we need to make our own metaphor for teaching.  I have been struggling through this semester on what to make my metaphor be.  I was having a hard time picking it out because I was having a hard time with my choice of major, I was not sure if education is what I wanted to do anymore, so I guess I was not giving my metaphor the thought that it needed at first.  Andrew took this class and seemed to have done really well in it, so I talked to him and he has helped me start to build a good one.  In the metaphor we need to put doctrines, principles and applications.

           As of right now the visual that I use for my metaphor is a garden.  My doctrines would be the seeds that are planted into the ground.  My principles are the actual plant a flower or vegetable or whatever it may be.  Finally, the application is the gardener who waters and fertilizes the plants to make them continue to grow.

          Here is a list of my doctrines, principles and application.  They are far from done, I know that throughout my life these will continue to grow on a daily basis.  This is what I have now,  I would love feedback and thoughts from anyone of you who look at this good or bad, it will only help me improve this..

1.) Agency

      i.) Homework / Class Work

              a.) Assign my students homework and class work on a regular basis and expect them  to do it and get it done and handed in on time.  When they do not I would provide the appropriate consequences.

      ii.) Students sharing what they have learned

              b.) a)    In most of my classes at BYU Idaho there is a time at least once a semester when one student has to share something that they have learned by doing a little extra studying or searching, as a teacher I would like to have every student do that. For example a book report or something along those lines.  Again, it would be a part of their grade and there would be consequences if they chose not to do it.

 2.) Sacrifice

       i.) Time
            
              a.) This would be for both the student and myself as a teacher.  For the student I believe that they will need to sacrifice some of their time outside of school to make sure that they complete the assigned work.  I would ask of them to put at least an hour or two aside for homework and studying, depending on how much work we had.

              b.) For myself as a teacher I will need to sacrifice a lot of my time outside of school to make my teaching mean something to my students and to let them know that I do care about what they learn and that I do care about them as students.


3.) Building Good Relationships

     i.) Getting to know each other

              a.) I believe that it is important for the students in my class to know each other and to be friends with each other.  I know that I tend to learn better and am more open to  learning if I have friends in the class as a student.  I would like to do something at the beginning of every class to get the students talking with each other and getting to know each other so that they can build good relationships with each other and feel more comfortable with each other.

    ii.) Building a student / teacher relationship

              a.) I believe that a student can and will learn better if they have a good relationship with their teacher.  When a teacher is boring and seems to not care about the students it usually makes the class hard for the student to be interested in.  I believe that the teacher should get to know every student and them all by name and show that they do care about the students.



Okay, so as I said I still have much more to do. I am constantly thinking about this and I know that it is only going to grow.  Once again, I would love to hear your thoughts about this!

Battle Scars

So the past couple nights I have been talking to a friend that I have not seen in awhile.  She has been telling me about her complicated relationship that she is dealing with right now, she tells me she loves this guy that she is with so much but she is in so much pain right now, she does not want to let go of this relationship because she does really love him but she does not want to feel this pain anymore.  She said that if this relationship ends that she is just gonna give up on love because if this relationship does not work than everything that she thought was love will go away and she said if that happens than she won't believe in love anymore.

I trying to be a good friend have been telling that if the relationship does end that she should not give up on love because love does exist is not a fake thing and she is just having a hard time seeing how it could be real if this relationship ended up ending.

Helping has kinda brought me down lately, why? I mean I know why but how come it is bringing me down, I am just trying to be a good friend and help a friend in need.  All I can think about through helping her is my last relationship.  Obviously, it is over but more and more I have been down about it just remembering how it started and how nothing seemed like it could ever go wrong.  I tell her that if the relationship ends to remember the good times because when you find the right person that deserves your love the good times will be amazing and worth all of your love.  I think about the good times I had with my ex, even though things ended so horribly and she was just bringing me down I can't sit back and say that we had no good times, because honestly we had some pretty fun times.

Now, I know that relationship is over and I by no means want it back.  But I miss the fun, I miss the "love." I put "love" in quotations because I am no longer positive that it was love.  But if that was just deep like than love has to be amazing.  I want it, I do have to admit that I am a lot happier than I was at the end of the relationship or even during the relationship.  But, I am not 100% happy yet.  I try to act like right now I just want to be single and that isn't really what I want, since I was at least 16 I can just remember wanting to be married and to be a father and have a family that was all mine. So, no I don't want to be single, for once in my life I did what my friend Jalenna said I needed to do and that was be okay with being single, realize that I don't need someone to make me happy.  My friend Kayla told me it is okay that a girl makes you happy but don't let her be the only thing that makes you happy.

I am increasingly getting happier and I love that and I am okay with being single, but that's not what I want to settle for.  I am looking forward to my future family.  I may or may not already know the person that will help me grow that family, I just hope whether I know the person now or not that I will not hold back from them and that she will not hold back from me, I am the type of person that is shy and a little nervous when it comes to that.  I know it will happen for me one day and I just hope that it is sooner rather than later.