Most of you know I compare EVERYTHING to music, well there is a song I love right now! "Don't Kick The Chair" by Dia Frampton, OBVIOUSLY I don't wanna kill myself haha, but there is more to the song than that, I take it as don't give up, life gets tough but it will definitely get better so keep pushing through!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Don't Kick The Chair
Wow, I have not blogged in so long. I wanna get back into doing this regularly, this is a great way just to let my mind run free! So as it is known by my last post about 2 months ago I am in Rexburg! I am having a great time here. But I can not lie I am ready to go home for break, I miss home I definitely do! I always felt that Rexburg would be my escape, but now, I realize it is just a stepping stone for my life. I do not know how many more semesters that I will be here at BYU Idaho! I love the school but over presidents day weekend I went down to Provo and spent time at BYU and with my friends down in Provo and I had an absolute blast. I had such a strong feeling come over me that Provo is eventually where I would be going to finish my schooling, hopefully I will only be in Idaho for 2 maybe 3 more semesters and then make my move there. I don't wanna sound like a depressed person right now because I am not at all, but I have definitely been happier, and I want to get back to that part of my life. I feel trapped in some ways, as many people know I am in a relationship that almost everyone hates, and I can not leave it, I do have a lot of love for her, there is no doubt about that in my mind. My heart keeps telling me that it is the right thing but my brain keeps telling me this is not gonna work, my brain keeps telling me she is with me because she is comfortable with me and is scared of going out into the single world and not finding love, so she falls back to somebody that is there for her my mind keeps telling me that I feel the same way, but do I? I have to admit before her I doubted myself, I always felt like I was just a friend to everyone, which is great but with some people you just want more than that. I am also scared of telling someone how I feel and getting shot down, or even worse that changing our friendship, I am always scared of that, I don't know why I have that mindset and I need to lose that. I know I am a good guy I just have to make myself always believe that. This whole thing has been weighing me down, she is a good girl and we have such an excellent friendship, that I am so scared of losing if things end between us. I just do not know what to do. It is like a double sided sword. This is a very tough thing to deal with. I thank god for the friends that he has blessed me with, I know sometimes it seems like I don't care what you guys say but I do, it is just so hard for me. If it was not for some of my friends I would be lost right now. Especially Jalenna, you honestly are the most straight forward and honest friend I have, and a lot of the time you are right and I know that, I just choose not to listen, hopefully soon I will start, what you say to me means a lot, I hope you know that! You are an amazing friend Jalenna! Mary and Andrew really have been there for me too, Andrew you have been so supportive, even though it really is not how you feel towards some things, thank you! It means a lot to me! Of course there is Mary, you were the first one to try to comfort me when I broke down into tears when I was in Provo, having you there for me made everything feel like it was going to be alright! Thank you for being an amazing friend, you honestly do not know how much I appreciated that! You all are amazing and I am so blessed to have you in my life! All of my other friends too! I miss all of my Connecticut friends so much! Especially Jenny and Emily, but definitely everyone else too! You all make me happy! So does my amazing family, sorry everyone but I hands down have the best Mom and Dad on the planet and my brothers Addy and Chris and My Aunt and Matt! You all rock! No matter how tough things are I still love my life and have to admit it is pretty amazing, I have been blessed so much!
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