Battle Scars

So the past couple nights I have been talking to a friend that I have not seen in awhile.  She has been telling me about her complicated relationship that she is dealing with right now, she tells me she loves this guy that she is with so much but she is in so much pain right now, she does not want to let go of this relationship because she does really love him but she does not want to feel this pain anymore.  She said that if this relationship ends that she is just gonna give up on love because if this relationship does not work than everything that she thought was love will go away and she said if that happens than she won't believe in love anymore.

I trying to be a good friend have been telling that if the relationship does end that she should not give up on love because love does exist is not a fake thing and she is just having a hard time seeing how it could be real if this relationship ended up ending.

Helping has kinda brought me down lately, why? I mean I know why but how come it is bringing me down, I am just trying to be a good friend and help a friend in need.  All I can think about through helping her is my last relationship.  Obviously, it is over but more and more I have been down about it just remembering how it started and how nothing seemed like it could ever go wrong.  I tell her that if the relationship ends to remember the good times because when you find the right person that deserves your love the good times will be amazing and worth all of your love.  I think about the good times I had with my ex, even though things ended so horribly and she was just bringing me down I can't sit back and say that we had no good times, because honestly we had some pretty fun times.

Now, I know that relationship is over and I by no means want it back.  But I miss the fun, I miss the "love." I put "love" in quotations because I am no longer positive that it was love.  But if that was just deep like than love has to be amazing.  I want it, I do have to admit that I am a lot happier than I was at the end of the relationship or even during the relationship.  But, I am not 100% happy yet.  I try to act like right now I just want to be single and that isn't really what I want, since I was at least 16 I can just remember wanting to be married and to be a father and have a family that was all mine. So, no I don't want to be single, for once in my life I did what my friend Jalenna said I needed to do and that was be okay with being single, realize that I don't need someone to make me happy.  My friend Kayla told me it is okay that a girl makes you happy but don't let her be the only thing that makes you happy.

I am increasingly getting happier and I love that and I am okay with being single, but that's not what I want to settle for.  I am looking forward to my future family.  I may or may not already know the person that will help me grow that family, I just hope whether I know the person now or not that I will not hold back from them and that she will not hold back from me, I am the type of person that is shy and a little nervous when it comes to that.  I know it will happen for me one day and I just hope that it is sooner rather than later. 

24

This past weekend I turned 24, since I turned 21 the last couple of my birthdays did not feel as special, it just felt like another age.  This year I felt different, 24 feels like a new start for me.  I am finally 100% over all of the bad stuff that has happened in the past especially this past year.  23 was a tough one for me but I am no longer dawning on that, I am looking at the future and I am so excited for what is in store for me.  Something hit me this weekend that I will never forget.  I realized that I am a very lucky guy, I have some of the most amazing friends in the world, they really do care and want what's best for me.  The friends that I have here in Rexburg and in Provo helped make this past weekend one of the best birthday weekends of my entire life.  I can't thank you all enough :) Thank you for always being here when I just need a friend!