This Is Exactly Why Falling In Love Is So Hard

Life has been so tough lately. I miss the old days like 3 years ago or even further back when life just felt so much easier. I have probably cried more these past few weeks than I have in my entire life. I hate it, I wish this stuff could just be so much simpler, but it is not. I feel like in my insanely messed up relationship, (which is over but it is so hard to let go) that I am just treated like a door mat. I do nothing to deserve that, I always treat her right, and because I called her out on things she was doing to hurt a relationship I am crazy and was a bad boyfriend, cause I left home to go to college? That makes me bad? I don't think so.. I will not let anyone try to make me feel guilty about wanting to better myself. I have changed so much for her, but it still is not good enough. why? Why can't I just let go? I hate this so much. Love is one of the hardest things to ever deal with. I wish this was easier but it isn't, I feel so miserable, my eyes always feel like water is just going to start leaking out of them and it is the worst feeling in the world. I literally feel like my heart has been ripped out and put in a blender. I never knew I could feel like this. What did I do to deserve this, I am a good person. I try to be the best I can and this stuff happens, it does not make any sense to me. I wanna be happy, and I really thought that I had found happiness. I more and more believe I started dating her to move on from Nicole but I honestly did get attached to her and honestly did fall in love with her and I still love her that is why this is so hard. I hate crying, I feel pathetic. I feel like I have no hope in myself. There is someone that I met that I can so easily talk to about stuff but guess what? I am typical Ryan and probably will never say anything to her because I am a chicken when it comes to that stuff. I do not mind the fact of being single, I just do not wanna miss on opportunities. I wanna go back to the felling of absolutely loving my life, I can't say that I do right now, I don't wanna die or anything, but I definitely don't like what is happening right now in my life. I just don't wanna hurt anymore. I feel like such a downer lately and I have snapped at people that are good friends just cause I was upset. I do not want to feel like this ever again. I don't deserve this pain, I just wanna let go of these feelings.