24

This past weekend I turned 24, since I turned 21 the last couple of my birthdays did not feel as special, it just felt like another age.  This year I felt different, 24 feels like a new start for me.  I am finally 100% over all of the bad stuff that has happened in the past especially this past year.  23 was a tough one for me but I am no longer dawning on that, I am looking at the future and I am so excited for what is in store for me.  Something hit me this weekend that I will never forget.  I realized that I am a very lucky guy, I have some of the most amazing friends in the world, they really do care and want what's best for me.  The friends that I have here in Rexburg and in Provo helped make this past weekend one of the best birthday weekends of my entire life.  I can't thank you all enough :) Thank you for always being here when I just need a friend! 

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Wow, I did not realize how long that it's been since I blogged.  Last time was when I was leaving Rexburg to go home for the summer, I was so excited to get back home for the summer, mainly to see Amanda, but also my family and all my other friends back there. Unfortunately I spent way too much time with Amanda and basically spending all the money I was saving, needless to say I was stupid.  Now it has come to the point that I have realize what everyone was telling me, "SHE IS NO GOOD." It took me far too long to realize this, but at least I can say that I have finally realized it.  When I got back to Rexburg she went psycho on me saying she was just using me and trying to make me out to be a horrible person when in reality she is.  She is EVERYTHING I don't want, she is why we have the word of wisdom and the guidelines we have so we don't turn out too be a person who thinks that marijuana, alcohol, drugs and so many other things are okay to do.  She sees nothing wrong with those things, some people she hangs out with are either in prison for long amounts of time because of crimes they have committed or they go into prison every six months for dealing drugs, the worst part is she thinks that is okay and normal. NO WAY, I do not wanna end up like that so I have finally made the right choice and just cut all ties with her.  I honestly would be perfectly fine never talking to her again.  Through it all, I still can't say that I regret it all, I do regret not listening to the people who care about me.  BUT I did learn so much from this failed relationship, things that will stick with me forever, thing I know that I never want in the person I end up marrying. I love the gospel and I love feeling the spirit, I can definitely say that I barely felt it this summer.  I am so happy to be back here in Rexburg where I can feel the spirit again and live the way I want to live.  I am sorry to all of my friends that I treated bad when you were just trying to help me cause you cared about me.  I was rude to a lot of you, but two stick out in my mind the most Jenny and Andrew. I love you two, and can not thank you enough for being there for me even though I was so mean and rude to you guys. I love everyone else too, I really don't know what I would do without you guys! I am so happy right now, for once in my life I am single and I am perfectly fine with being single right now (thanks for that advice Jalenna). I look back and realize I have never been more unhappy in my entire life than when I was with her, Andrew said the other day when I was really happy "I haven't seen you this happy in a long time" and that made me realize that until then I really hadn't been.  It's time for a new start for me and I am so excited to see what life has in store for me :)

When All You Gotta Keep Is Strong

It is that time, I am heading home.  I leave Rexburg on Friday and will be on my way home Monday after spending a fun weekend in Provo with my brother and some of my closest friends, Jalenna, Mary, Eric, Daniel and so many more.  It should be fun, I need fun.  I am finally ready to move on from Amanda, every time that we have broken up I may have said that "we are done" but in my mind I knew that i still wanted to be with her, but this time I promised myself that I am done, I can't feel this way anymore.  I want too be happy and she was bringing me down and making me unhappy.  I was being judged by her because of my religion, basically because she wants to do things that are not the best and I refuse too and I did not like the fact that she did those things.  Whatever though, I am too good for that and I deserve so much better than that.  Have any of you seen How I Met Your Mother, it is such a good show.  The other day they talked about something that hit me strong, they said that in every relationship there is a reacher and a settler.  In that relationship I was the settler, by far.  I wanna reach I don't wanna settle, I especially do not wanna settle for someone that makes me feel like I am reaching, cause with her I was settling and accepting things that i don't want in my future spouse, I do not want to be with someone that I can't trust to be faithful to me. I also don't want someone that would not be a good example to kids.  I want my future kids to have a mother who is an amazing person and does not think it's okay to drink or smoke in front of her kids.  Going home will be awesome, I just need to avoid her at all costs. I will miss it here in Rexburg, I made some amazing friends, some that mean a lot to me and I can not wait to come back and be with them again.  The best part is that when I come back, I will not have the weight on my shoulder that I was carrying.  It's time to turn my life away from that pain and time to turn away from someone that only cares about a physical relationship, that is all she wanted and I wouldn't give that too her, I am not about to sacrifice important things in my life for anything, she didn't care about an emotional part, she wasn't ready for a relationship.  It's time to be happy and I am ready to be good with myself. It's time to move on and move along :)

This Is Exactly Why Falling In Love Is So Hard

Life has been so tough lately. I miss the old days like 3 years ago or even further back when life just felt so much easier. I have probably cried more these past few weeks than I have in my entire life. I hate it, I wish this stuff could just be so much simpler, but it is not. I feel like in my insanely messed up relationship, (which is over but it is so hard to let go) that I am just treated like a door mat. I do nothing to deserve that, I always treat her right, and because I called her out on things she was doing to hurt a relationship I am crazy and was a bad boyfriend, cause I left home to go to college? That makes me bad? I don't think so.. I will not let anyone try to make me feel guilty about wanting to better myself. I have changed so much for her, but it still is not good enough. why? Why can't I just let go? I hate this so much. Love is one of the hardest things to ever deal with. I wish this was easier but it isn't, I feel so miserable, my eyes always feel like water is just going to start leaking out of them and it is the worst feeling in the world. I literally feel like my heart has been ripped out and put in a blender. I never knew I could feel like this. What did I do to deserve this, I am a good person. I try to be the best I can and this stuff happens, it does not make any sense to me. I wanna be happy, and I really thought that I had found happiness. I more and more believe I started dating her to move on from Nicole but I honestly did get attached to her and honestly did fall in love with her and I still love her that is why this is so hard. I hate crying, I feel pathetic. I feel like I have no hope in myself. There is someone that I met that I can so easily talk to about stuff but guess what? I am typical Ryan and probably will never say anything to her because I am a chicken when it comes to that stuff. I do not mind the fact of being single, I just do not wanna miss on opportunities. I wanna go back to the felling of absolutely loving my life, I can't say that I do right now, I don't wanna die or anything, but I definitely don't like what is happening right now in my life. I just don't wanna hurt anymore. I feel like such a downer lately and I have snapped at people that are good friends just cause I was upset. I do not want to feel like this ever again. I don't deserve this pain, I just wanna let go of these feelings.

Don't Kick The Chair

Wow, I have not blogged in so long. I wanna get back into doing this regularly, this is a great way just to let my mind run free! So as it is known by my last post about 2 months ago I am in Rexburg! I am having a great time here. But I can not lie I am ready to go home for break, I miss home I definitely do! I always felt that Rexburg would be my escape, but now, I realize it is just a stepping stone for my life. I do not know how many more semesters that I will be here at BYU Idaho! I love the school but over presidents day weekend I went down to Provo and spent time at BYU and with my friends down in Provo and I had an absolute blast. I had such a strong feeling come over me that Provo is eventually where I would be going to finish my schooling, hopefully I will only be in Idaho for 2 maybe 3 more semesters and then make my move there. I don't wanna sound like a depressed person right now because I am not at all, but I have definitely been happier, and I want to get back to that part of my life. I feel trapped in some ways, as many people know I am in a relationship that almost everyone hates, and I can not leave it, I do have a lot of love for her, there is no doubt about that in my mind. My heart keeps telling me that it is the right thing but my brain keeps telling me this is not gonna work, my brain keeps telling me she is with me because she is comfortable with me and is scared of going out into the single world and not finding love, so she falls back to somebody that is there for her my mind keeps telling me that I feel the same way, but do I? I have to admit before her I doubted myself, I always felt like I was just a friend to everyone, which is great but with some people you just want more than that. I am also scared of telling someone how I feel and getting shot down, or even worse that changing our friendship, I am always scared of that, I don't know why I have that mindset and I need to lose that. I know I am a good guy I just have to make myself always believe that. This whole thing has been weighing me down, she is a good girl and we have such an excellent friendship, that I am so scared of losing if things end between us. I just do not know what to do. It is like a double sided sword. This is a very tough thing to deal with. I thank god for the friends that he has blessed me with, I know sometimes it seems like I don't care what you guys say but I do, it is just so hard for me. If it was not for some of my friends I would be lost right now. Especially Jalenna, you honestly are the most straight forward and honest friend I have, and a lot of the time you are right and I know that, I just choose not to listen, hopefully soon I will start, what you say to me means a lot, I hope you know that! You are an amazing friend Jalenna! Mary and Andrew really have been there for me too, Andrew you have been so supportive, even though it really is not how you feel towards some things, thank you! It means a lot to me! Of course there is Mary, you were the first one to try to comfort me when I broke down into tears when I was in Provo, having you there for me made everything feel like it was going to be alright! Thank you for being an amazing friend, you honestly do not know how much I appreciated that! You all are amazing and I am so blessed to have you in my life! All of my other friends too! I miss all of my Connecticut friends so much! Especially Jenny and Emily, but definitely everyone else too! You all make me happy! So does my amazing family, sorry everyone but I hands down have the best Mom and Dad on the planet and my brothers Addy and Chris and My Aunt and Matt! You all rock! No matter how tough things are I still love my life and have to admit it is pretty amazing, I have been blessed so much!

Most of you know I compare EVERYTHING to music, well there is a song I love right now! "Don't Kick The Chair" by Dia Frampton, OBVIOUSLY I don't wanna kill myself haha, but there is more to the song than that, I take it as don't give up, life gets tough but it will definitely get better so keep pushing through!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC-uzqYCPy0

Rexburg!

So I have not blogged in awhile. I have been crazy busy. I am in Rexburg now, at BYU Idaho and I love it here! I am living with one of my best friends Andrew and I love that. At first I was extremely home sick, but having Andrew here really helped. I know you will probably see this so thanks man, you have been a huge help to me. I don't know how I would have gotten through that wave of home sickness without a close friend here. Rexburg is great, I do miss Connecticut, but I definitely do love it here. I am so happy to be at school, I definitely need to be here. As hard as it gets sometimes with missing certain people back home, I know this is where I need to be right now. I am excited for all of my English classes, it is so exciting to me to become an English teacher. I have some pretty good teachers here and I am excited to see what this semester brings for me! I have definitely started to make some new friends and that is a very good thing!

I Am Gonna Be Like This

Okay so right now I am obsessed with Javier Colon, He has another song called "My Little Girl." It is about a man who was living on his own terms just having fun, and then he met his wife and later in life they had a daughter. Instantly his life became dedicated to his daughter and he would do anything for her. The song goes through from when she is born to when she is married with kids, and how no matter how young or old she is, she is still her daddy's little girl and he would do whatever for her. This song is so sweet. I am gonna be a father like that. When I eventually have kids I would do anything for them and my future wife. Javier Colon is an amazing singer and most of his songs have beautiful messages. Listen to him if you haven't yet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgZNMy7giKE

"My Little Girl"